Mr. Big Food picked up a cookbook a while back, and he’s beginning to make his way through it.

Esquire Eat Like a Man: The Only Cookbook a Man Will Ever Need

Ryan D’Agostino (2011)

He sent me the book’s Introduction, because it’s funny and absolutely true.

Enjoy!

THINGS A MAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ENTERTAINING

By Ted Allen (host of “Chopped” on the Food Network)

Planning a dinner part in the way that you’re actually capable of getting it done without panicking is important. It’s bad hospitality for the host to be freaked out.

Get a drink in your guests’ hands within five minutes of their walking into the door. This could be Champagne, this could be a cold beer, it could be a martini, whatever. Something. When you go to a big banquet or wedding, they have waiters with trays full of glasses right by the door. It immediately sends the message. Hey, workday is done, the party is beginning, welcome to my house, rock and roll.

There is no shame in offering a selection of, say, three beverages, and that’s it.

You can further make life easier for everybody by imposing a theme on the evening. Sangria night. A whiskey party. Margaritas. One main option, and then some beer and wine for people with tequila allergies.

This also helps indecisive people to get the hell out of the way so somebody else can get to the bar.

Here’s the recipe for sangria, totally sealable. 1 bottle of white wine, 2 ounces of Cointreau or triple sec or Grand Marnier, and 2 ounces of brandy. You can also add a little honey, and then whatever fruit you like. Lemons, limes, apples, pears, grapefruit, cherries. Your call. Everyone loves sangria.

Wine: When in doubt, buy more red than white. White-wine drinkers generally don’t mind switching to red; red drinkers generally do mind switching to white.

You must feed people when serving intoxicants, and you want to feed them things that are absorbent. If you like making canapés, great. I find it kind of tedious. You can’t go wrong with a whole bunch of cheese. Or antipasti. Just don’t fill them up too much before dinner.

One of the biggest mistakes people make when they cook for other people is to think that it has to be fancy and elaborate. This results in enormous expense and nine days of labor, plus you end up trying to assemble a croquebouche in front of your guests and everyone’s experiencing flop sweat.

Never try to pull off a dish you haven’t made before.

It’s okay if you finish cooking something easy after your guests arrive—some dishes must be prepared á la minute, as chefs say. Just remember to keep talking.

Dishes that can be made ahead for a causal party: room temperature salads. Pasta salads, rice salads, potato salads.

There is no shame in a really good potato salad.

And then you just cook a skirt steak or something which needs to be cooked immediately before you serve it but also cooks in two minutes a side. Boom. You’re done.

If you’re entertaining a senator, maybe the standards are different. But for normal humans, cook stuff people like to eat. They’re not looking for a seven-course meal.

Strongly consider hiring a bartender. Absolutely worth the money, even if there are only six or eight of you. They refill drinks, they clear dirty glasses, then remember to slice the limes.

If you were to send a written invitation to your closest friends asking them over for dinner, they might be kind of strange. E-mail, call, yell it over the back fence. Even your boss—e-mail is fine.

The best dinner parties are the ones where 60 or 70 percent of the guests are established friends, and the rest are new blood.

Also consider the mix. Artists and writers in the same room as hedge-fund managers can be a wonderful thing. Not that I know any hedge-fund managers.

Of course, it falls on you to introduce these people.

My favorite size group to entertain is about six people, The conversation never dies. Having twenty people in your house is like surfing at a punk show. The next thing you know, the house is empty and all your wineglasses are dirty and you’re standing there asking yourself, Why did I do this again?

And yet we do it again. Cooking for people is an enormously significant expression of generosity and soulfulness, and entertaining is a way to be both generous and creative. You’re sharing your life with people.

Of course, it’s also an expression of your own need for approval and applause. Nothing wrong with that.

There is no shame in a potluck.

The dinner party is one of the last places in American culture where we have ritual. There’s a rhythm to it: You walk in the door, you have a drink, you have some appetizers, then you go sit down, you eat, then you have dessert and another drink—it’s just a pleasant, civilized, great way to live.

There should never be dead air. Make a huge playlist, put it on shuffle. People are only going to be dimly aware of the music. It should be good and it should be cool, but they’re barely going to hear it, which is as it should be.

Not everything in your music library is appropriate for a dinner party. Few people want to hear a Sammy Hagar guitar solo while they eat their soup.

A host should be aware of how much alcohol he drinks. Getting too drunk at your own party has many bad consequences, not the least of which is that you’ll overcook the steaks.

People who don’t drink alcohol should not be made to feel awkward. You have to have more than Diet Coke and water on hand for them. Seltzer with fruit garnishes, sparkling French lemonade—invite them to the party.

Nor should people who don’t eat meat be served an afterthought of hastily dressed lettuce.

It’s amazing what dimming the lights and lighting a thousand of those cheap votive candles can do for the atmosphere.

A centerpiece is equally transformative. This is easy. A bowl of apples is a great centerpiece.

Buy ice.

One thing. This should be fun. You, as the host, are supposed to have a good time too. We do this at least once a week at our place. We love to cook. We do it because it’s fun and because we enjoy it; if we didn’t enjoy it we wouldn’t do it.

If you destroy that rack of lamb you need to be able to laugh about that and order a big mess of ziti from the Italian joint around the corner.

There is no shame in buying an apple tart and some ice cream for dessert. That’s what the French do.